Get help, I guess.

Think hard about who you can trust to care about you (both) but not blame you or your partner, and who also won't freak out (tall order, but there are a few) then carefully check the subject out, then get what support you can and where you can.

Eat as well as you can and don't drink too much.

Check out how you feel, and try to talk to your partner about what's going on for you without blaming them and without overshadowing their own pain and distress.

Read stuff.  "Allies In Healing" is great.

Don't make any decisions while you're in shock, or in the middle of a row.

Take as long as you can to decide if you can stay in the relationship.  If you do decide to stay, then it's going to be hard work, and you may well need 'professional' help yourself.  (And I don't mean 'you must be mad' - I'm not).

Let yourself be angry and sad and cry if you can.

By all means offer to murder the perps but don't get to heavy about it and don't be surprised or angry if your partner doesn't want you to.

Go, if you have to, as gently and in as non-blaming a way as you can.  If you do go, remember, this is not your fault, but it is a reflection on how much the relationship meant to you in the first place.  What it is not is a reflection on your partner.

If you stay remember you're both in for the long haul.  Read a few of the posts in this forum.  Life isn't easy with a survivor, but it's certainly not going to be boring.  Stay, if you're going to, for your love of your partner, not to make him/her better.  You can't.

The following may (or may not) make him/her feel upset or threatened - and this is by no means an exhaustive list.  sex hugs kissing silences bathrooms kitchens bedrooms clean floors dirty floors hospitals churches doctors beards bristly chins bedroom slippers underwear no underwear loud noises the dark bright lights shouting laughing bodily smells soap hot water cold water.

Never use what your partner tells you about the abuse, or about s/he felt/feels to hurt him/her.  And you probably will.  And if/when you do don't be surprised if s/he reacts.  And think very very hard whether this relationship is survivable for you.

And love yourself at least as much as you love your partner.

And strive, together, to be a couple.  If you're a couple, if there's more than 2 of you when you're together, then you'll have resources to keep you going through the bad times.

Basically, just do what you'd do in a normal relationship, but be as honest and as open as you can.  And being open includes being open to yourself about the option that you may not actually be the person your partner needs to see them through this.

And learn to negotiate.

This message brought to you by lonelyboy who woke up with the blues but feels much better now!

the Boy

quote:

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Originally posted by: claudine
"ok so, i'm waiting for my ride, lonelyboy, that was awesome. c"

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Huh?  Have thought of about as much again, but maybe I'll tidy it up and repost.

Waiting for my ride?  US slang?

the Boy