Anger management

HAVOCA · Trustee

Anger management

amanda · Experienced Member

Anger management is what I am working with in therapy. For many years I suppressed the anger and aggression it was something I saw regularly but not something I was allowed to express without worse punishment. I acknowledge now this was detrimental to myself as the way I coped was to turn the anger towards myself the self abuse and hatred was as explained by my therapist the way I had learnt to deal with the anger.

As I have said I am working at ways to release that anger that is held so deep but it frightens me when the rages come because I fear I am turning into my mother and that I will become an abuser of others.

I am learning the difference about using anger as a tool rather then a weapon and expressing it safely rather than turning it on myself.

When I started this work in Therapy I feared I would lose control I have always believed through my abusers that if I sinned I would end up locked away and banished from this world. I am slowly learning different.

In answer to the question for me although it stayed buried but it erupted by the way I treated myself. I am slowly releasing this anger but I am in control Through therapy I have learn't to liken it to a lemonade bottle I let a small amount of the fizz out then tighten the lid again until the next time when the next amount comes

Hope this makes sense

Best wishes

Amanda

spunk · Veteran Member

I have done so much work on anger in T, I feel as if I have a pretty good handle on this. I have to say that getting some control over my anger has improved my life tremendously.

Previously I would get angry about something and it would spill over into other aspects of my life, or I would walk around seething with anger for days over some incident that set me off. And of course I would be more vulnerable to any other incidents while in this state.

My T helped me to realize that I have a vast resevoir of anger because of the abuse, but that this anger is a useful tool, a valuable resource that I can use to take care of myself. Anger is my friend.

Of course I did a fair amount of work learning how to set boundaries so that my anger wouldn't be ignited, but I also learned how to use my anger to protect those boundaries. A bit of controlled anger to warn people.

It's amazing how well this works, especially when you treat people with respect. Usually just an angry tone at the right moment and most people will get the message, without resentment. The fact that I am using the anger successfully in situations in order to meet my own needs in that moment means that the anger doesn't last. I express it, it works for me, and then its gone! (Until I need it again) No more seething underneath, and that feels so good!

I am also amazed that as I have practiced this controlled anger, my relationships with the people around me have improved tremendously. I think that it's because most people are willing to adjust to others, within reason, if they understand the signals. Of course this wasn't true of our abusers, and we grew up expecting people to punish us, rather than to respond positively to us, when we expressed ourselves, tried to take care of ourselves.

I have to say that I think that aggression is a related, but slightly different issue for me. I still struggle to recognize that my anger is sometimes base on aggression, rather than on defensiveness. This is linked to being traumatized over long periods of time as a child. Perceived threats tend to evoke the life-or-death response that was warranted from childhood. So the fear response creates aggressive behavior. Also, as part of the abusive environment, any heightened anxiety can lead to aggressive behavior. I have to watch myself very carefully, especially when I am struggling with some aspect of my life, otherwise aggression can pop out in some other place that I'm not looking at particularly. And aggression can easily be disguised as good intentions. It's a balancing act, for sure.

Lisa

claudine · Moderator

I'm not sure if this stems from the physical abuse or the other kinds. There was an awful lot of physical abuse in my childhood. Whenever I finally express anger, it is always followed with an overwhelming feeling of remorse. Usually lasts for days, depending on how angry I got and then turns into severe depression. So, I try to avoid expressing it. It's too hard to recover. I know this is a destructive cycle but I can't seem to break out of it. This is what drove me to medication.Control the anger, avoid the depression. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Too bad it doesn't really work. Is anyone else stuck in this cycle?

c