After a really bad week a month or so ago my therapist suggested I find a forum where I could share my experiences with people who would understand and not judge I have previous to this looked but never felt safe. Thanks to HAVOCA's website I have always found support in a really clear way and I trust in it when all else fails when this forum began a few days back everything seemed so right I felt at home as though I had found what I was looking for stupid or what.
Because I feel safe I will share with you a little about myself I always thought my life was normal what was happening was what happened to everyone. My mother was involved in a group who had very strong beliefs this was indoctrinated into me from a very young age and some parts still remain I am slowly learning to accept that I can do things without being judged without being in constant fear without living from the shadows I am slowly beginning to realise that whatever happens the master and his disciples will only have the power over me if I let them sometimes its hard knowing your own mother done this too you and sometimes the anger and the hate is so immense and powerful. Because of the past I don't know how to express these emotions without turning them onto myself it is a way of coping.
Thank you for letting me express this and thank you for the warmth you give out
I am sorry that your mother raised you in this kind of environment. I hope that as you work through therapy you will develop a feeling of empowerment to make your own decisions, and a feeling of safety as you do so.
Those "negative" emotions, like anger, can be powerful tools when directed outwardly, toward self-care. And hopefully the feelings of pain, fear and anger will decrease in proportion to those positive experiences that you learn to give to yourself.
I'm glad that you've found a path for healing, and look forward, with you, towards a better future.
I'm so glad that you have found that you can post here.
About 18months ago I started posting on another message board, and although I was only a memeber for about 4 months it made a huge difference to how I approached therapy. I found I could say things and I was being believed, and was still accepted, and this carried on through.
I hope that you will find the same sort of support, and that the support you receive will help you in your healing journey.
As time goes by I hope this forum will grow and grow. Sure people will come and go, but the spirit of survival will always be among us.
Thanks for sharing. I think the hardest thing for any survivor is to stop the emotions turning in on themselves. Recognition of the problem is the first step and then slow careful deliberation is required. Working through feelings and acknowledging the pain comes from within. Check out our feeling pages to help you prioritise your emotions.
Healing isn't an easy journey, it requires dedication, love and support. Don't expect miracles and above all treat yourself gently.
I wasn't allowed to blame others. Especially not my parent and brother who was bullying me. In other words they were not accountable. I was responsible for how others treated me (badly) or might treat me (assault). Then I was taught that turning the anger against oneself meant I was bad inside. Is this true?