Warning - this may be too difficult to read for some people.  Please do not read this if the subject matter makes you uncomfortable.

How did I come to be here?

I was abused by my mother, in various ways, from infancy through to when I broke off contact and became estranged in my late twenties, finally breaking off contact with my entire family in my early-thirties, after the death of my grandmother.

Although I was physically abused throughout my infancy and childhood (as well as I can recall), it was the psychological abuse and neglect (on several levels) that has created the most lasting harm.  Throughout my life, I knew that my mother wanted to kill me, and probably would have if she could find any way to get away with it.  The physical threats (attempted drowning, etc...) were only a way to re-inforce the psychological terrorizing.

Compounding that, my mother was an expert at making sure that I was setup to look bad or crazy, thus ensuring that I was isolated and had no allies to come to my defense, or even to help give me a more sane perspective.  She continued this behaviour, long after I had broken off contact, by convincing my ex-husband's family (he was not my ex-husband at the time) that I had been incarcerated for drug offences, as well as institutionalized.  The truth is, I am a professional, with a good career, who has never been in any trouble with the law, and always got good marks in school - the text-book 'good girl'.  I live my life in terror that someone from my professional life will meet someone in my mother's sphere of influence.

Luckily for me, I had a lot of contact with my father's parents when I was very young (up until age 4 or 5), who I know deeply loved me and cared for me.  Although the circumstances under which I spent so much time with them remains a mystery to me, I believe that this is the only thing that has allowed me to overcome the abuse and thrive in some parts of my life.

The last, and perhaps greatest, injury has been the 'help' I've received while trying to find counselling or support.  Most people, and this includes mental health professionals, still cannot allow themselves to consider that a mother could hate their child.  It seems to be one of our most thoroughly entrenched taboos to consider that the mothering instinct is not universal.  I've found that to speak about the unspeakable can be dangerous to my well-being.

Despite this, even while still suffering greatly, I've managed to have some very good things in my life, and even to have thrived in some areas.

I believe that I know what I need to do to heal.  I need to find somewhere  that I can be free to speak about this openly and yet still feel part of a community.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to HAVOCA, specifically Jamie, who not only validated what I'm going through, but provided invaluable information.

I apologize to anyone who may have been triggered by reading this.  I hope that my message will give someone else the courage or inspiration to speak about their own 'unspeakables'.

Regards,

J.