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ouchzone


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empathy block
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I've just posted in mental health and realised I need to say this here. This is really painful. Here goes.


My abusive parent had poor physical and mental health. She also used the threat of hospital to shut me up about the abuse and neglect. She manipulated us into pretending we didn't get hurt by her health problems. She got people to see her as some sort of heroic character holding it all together and achieving great things in spite of poor health. It wasn't true. Her health problems had an enormous negative impact on my Dad and me probably less so on my brother. She also made my Dad and I appear to be weak and bad. Whenever I did something good she never mentioned it, provoked me to behave badly but I wouldn't so she pretended I had anyway and told lies to people to get sympathy. All the while I was trying to be perfect, never make any mistakes, never deserve the abuse and to earn some love but it didn't work. I had people tell me I should treat her better as if I was being bad and still I covered up for her.


So many times in the last few years I hear people demanding empathy from children for parents. I thought parents were supposed to look after children not the other way round. Maybe I could have handled her health problems better if she had admitted the effects on us and showed concern about that. So whenever I hear of parents being ill and people saying to them 'You must look after yourself' it makes my blood boil. I don't care about the adult. Only the effects on the child/children in the background. I've tried really hard to care but the harder I try the more angry I become. It just doesn't work. I'm so afraid of people finding this out. Finding out that I'm a very bad person because I'm supposed to care about sick people and instead I get angry with them. I also hate heros (I see them as selfish show offs) when I'm supposed to love them and hated it when people talked about how wonderful she was. Made me think if she was so good I must have deserved all the abuse otherwise she could not have been a good person.


Who is going to be the first to lob stones at me for being a very bad person?


ouch 



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amanda


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Hello Ouch


You just listen to me you are not a bad person and no one is going to lob stones at you.


It doesn't matter if your mother was ill she was still the adult you were a child you were not too blame.


My parents both were "ill" but I honestly believe they knew what they were doing.  I repeatedly lied to cover up from them. They also made me believe that if the doctors new what was going on they would have no choice but to lock me away and I would never be free again to me it was better to endure the rituals then too be locked away


You my friend are kind compassionate individual with loads to give believe me


Take care


amanda



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segelov


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Ouch


You are not a bad person, and ther will be no stone throwing from here.


Take care


segelov



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spunk


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HI Ouch,

Not throwing any stones here, either.

I feel the same way, with different circumstances. My mother always expected me to take care of her, she always played the suffering martyr. I hate to see situtations where children are expectd to bear the burden for their parents, take care of them, put them first, please them and appease them. There is no end to the demands. That's the definition of child abuse for me, a situtation in which the child is expected to put the parent's needs first, rather than the other way around.

Then as adults, it just continues. If you put your own needs first as an adult, or even just make strides in taking care of yourself, they jump in with jealousy, accuse you of selfishness, etc.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I needed that.

Lisa

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Raindancer


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Ouch i wont be throwing stones either...for what? being honest and telling it as it is.


Your right about it being the parents responsibility to look after their children and not the other way around. It is such a huge burden for any child and with that alone so many children lose their childhoods by being the caretaker. Im sorry that you had to go through this, and that the effects still carry strongly with you today.


My father suddenly passed away nearly two years ago and still even now people have this opinion of him that is so different to how i remembered things. He has become the hero, and whilst i can see some of why they might say those things, he was no saint and it ****ess me off no end because i start to doubt myself...my own feelings and emotions towards him. I know its hard, but YOU know the truth and how all of this has impacted on you. You have every right to feel angry Ouch because it wasnt fair that you had to take care of your mother with the added fear of threats being thrown in at you.


Take gentle care,


Raindancer



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