Mothering

segelov · Experienced Member

Mothering

spunk · Veteran Member

Hi seqelov,

I am reading your post, and I have to admit that I am confused. You are describing in detail your mother's behavior: that of a severely mentally ill person. There is no other way to characterize the behavior you are describing. I can understand your questioning the diagnosis of schizophrenic, but I wonder why you resist accepting her mental illness?

As for why you are not like her, but rather are capable of love and appropriate parenting, I would have to guess that the years of your mother's absence, and positive care from others contributed. Clearly you have learned from others and drawn on your own inner self to become a kind, compassionate person, and a good mother.

Also, perhaps she is schizophrenic, and you are not. And even if she isn't schizophrenic, but suffers from other forms of mental illness, there is no reason to expect you to be sick in the same way, or to the same degree that she is. Thank goodness for that. You could never be your mother. You are yourself, and be proud of that.

Lisa

claudine · Moderator

hey guys,

I always thought that I was given some really good examples of how NOT to be. It only took one kind gesture or word from a neighbor, a teacher or a friend, even a stranger to make me realize how wrong things were in my home. I don't have kids, but I could always love my pets. that may not seem like much, but it was all I had. I guess if you have something, It'll make a difference..

c

segelov · Experienced Member

Sorry every one I am just full of self-pitying c**p. Instead of thinking about the people I care for I am indulging in something very unsavoury. My apologies again.

Take care every one! I will try and resist posting such things - yes my mother was mentally ill, but I still will never forgive her!

-- Edited by segelov at 19:53, 2004-10-13

-- Edited by segelov at 21:28, 2004-10-13

claudine · Moderator

hey sedagive,

I don't think "mental Illness' is an excuse or an attempt on spunks part to make it any easier or better, just that it separates you. You are not your mother. You can be a loving, warm compassionate person in spite of the awful childhood you endured. My S*&%^$#D for a father was diagnosed manis depressive, do I think that excuses him? Absolutely not. Does it make it easier NO WAY. But, it separates us. That is a good thing. Anything that does that is good, don't you think?

c

claudine · Moderator

hey sedagive,

sorry, one other thing I forgot to say, everybody here wants to help. It's hard to do that sometimes, but there's an awful lot of effort put out there. You also want to help and want to reach out. There are so many things about you that separate your from your abuser. You are different.

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi segelov

never be sorry for your posts we can all and I know at time I become over whelmed with self pity okay your mother had a diagnosis of a mental illness and for that I am sorry but at the end of the day you were abused and she has some responsibility for that. You will never be your mother you are worlds apart you are a kind compassionate mother who puts others before herself. you will wear yourself out putting others before yourself if you can post some of your anger and your feelings here do it its not cr*p

You take gentle care of yourself

amanda

liz · Experienced Member

Hi Segelov

You ask us 'where does the ability to mother come from?' and I think part of it has to be innate. I think too something comes from our own upbringing - it has to but if our upbringing wasn't a positive experience then I think we decide that we shall do it differently.

My parents wanted me to be a boy. My birthday must have been one hell of a disappointment. And I feel the shame because I got it wrong. (as an adult I can understand that of course I wasn't to blame - my father's sperm were the wrong sort!) but as a small child I always took it on board that it was my complete fault. Actually it's only very recently that I've worked out I wasn't to blame.

My parents never wanted me - a girl, never showed me unconditional love, never hugged me, never told me I was good enough.

I'm a parent and my mothering skills are nothing like hers. I tell our son often that I love him. Don't always like what he does but I will ALWAYS love him. He knows he is special. He knows he's accepted just as he is. And i make sure and always have that he gets plenty of hugs - not so easy now as he is now 12 but he knows the hugs are available. He knows that as long as he tries hard and does his best then that's all we ask.

I saw the title 'Mothering' and I have very mixed feelings. My mum died way back in 1981. For all that she wasn't I still miss her and miss all the lost opportunities for things to have ever been different between us. I miss not ever being mothered and still want that today even though it cannot happen. I'm mourning all that wasn't - a long painful process without an end it would seem.

liz x

segelov · Experienced Member

OK everyone,

maybe I should not have removed my posts about my mother, I am having a very hard time coming to terms with a lot of the things that she did and is still trying to do. My mother has never been formally diagnosed with a mental illness, just one observation by one social worker along time ago. My mother never let "the authorities" get very close to her, except if it would get her money! I am still coming to terms with a whole lot of stuff that I did not know, or at least had not consciously acknowledged until it was all there in black and white. Like Liz said in another thread; there is an overwhelming sense of loss not for my mother but for the mothering that I never experienced, neither from her nor from the people who were paid to take care of us. This sense of loss became overwhelming over the weekend, when all that I had been reading started to sink in. Yes it has been there in the past, but it started again. And on top of that I am not able to do much about it for me because of my responsibilities in the here and now. and on top of that I hate being out of control!!

Up until 1995 I used to make all sorts of excuses for my mother and her behaviour towards us and I thought that I was once again being asked to make similar excuses for her behaviour on here, but in the end my mother was responsible for my rape, and she was responsible for abandoning us, and she was responsible for the physical punishments that she used to inflict on us (I hardly speak about that because it seems so insignificant to what else she did), and even when I was grown and had my son die within 24 hours of birth all she was concerned about was the fact that HER grandson had died probably because of something that I had done! and when I was the renal donor for my daughter, and my eldest daughter was 12 years old, she would not even offer the smallest bit of help (and I did ask! I even begged!), in fact no-one helped us then, through yet another dreadfull period of my life. I am starting to believe that some of us in this world will never be free of anguish and pain, it matters not how hard we try, or how loud we shout our lives are destined to be one painful event after another. And really in the end all we can do is get on with it. Maybe I am still trying to convince myself this self evident truth.

My overwhelming desire is to put my arms round every one who has been hurt, but I know this is because I would prefer that none of you are hurting as much as I am, and it would be so nice to be in a world without hurt. And I never had a real role model for motherhood, I just knew that children should not be made to feel so worthless, and believe me there were lots of children in the home that I was in that where given this message. - and now look what I have done I have tears rolling down my face!!

??May be I should not be on this site??

take care all of you

-- Edited by segelov at 09:50, 2004-10-15