Hi Growing roots and wings

I read somewhere that you can feed a baby/young child, keep it clean, meet all it’s physical  needs but if you don’t cuddle it and meet it’s emotional needs or have contact with it the child become apathetic, passive and fails to thrive. Some mothers are there in body but are not emotionally available. Mine was certainly like that. I couldn’t reach her. I’m no expert but from my own experiences and what you have shared of yours I would think the problems you are having re self care relate to apathy caused by neglect.

Various suggestions for causes of self harm have been put forward. I don’t agree with some of them. Last time I looked my reasons have not been stated. My punishments were long lasting exclusion and isolation. Being ‘sent to Coventry’ She sounded as if she hated me sometimes. I grew up believing feelings were bad and the remedy for having feelings was punishment. That punishment put things right. Plus my mother and brother (who was older and wiser) made it clear how much they enjoyed it when I was distressed. They smiled and sounded pleased. So I thought I ought to be hurting. That it would make me into a ‘good person’ if I was in pain.

I was told as a teenager that depression is anger (=I’m bad to feel it) turned against oneself. (The opposite of violence towards others) She had been talking to doctors when she told me this so it made it appear the doctors were saying I was depressed because I was bad. Doctors are experts therefore they are right and I’m bad. I was always taught never to blame others and things were always my fault. So I did what I was told to do only to be informed that I was still bad (bad inside). She never told my brother he was bad for bullying me. She said I’d provoked it or that ‘at least he’s cheerful’ and that I was making her ill because I wasn’t.  (He would be, he got a lot of pleasure out of bullying me and no punishment) That if I got hurt I deserved it. I wasn’t given ‘care’ when I hurt. I’ve lost count of the times I was told I was making her ill. When as a teenager I was diagnosed with depression she said I was making her ill. So I still do feel enormous confusion. The doctors are supposed to be right. That means I was depressed and bad inside because other people neglected and bullied me.

Sometimes I find the apathy is more disabling than anything else. I'm sorry you're having such difficulties with self care. Thinking of you.

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