struggling tonight.

feemarie · Senior Member

struggling tonight.

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee

You are amazing, you replied to my post and gave me comfort yet your going through this, i wish I could help you but I think I speak for everyone in saying that you are not alone we are here for you!

I am sorry it was your father, but don't feel bad it wasn't your fualt then, or now, or every will be, you were a child he an adult, he must take responsilbility for what he's done.

Your brother, I feel in a similar situation my brother doesn't know my parents do(I serspec them to be the abuser(s)) my brother means so much to me also. but I think he may well take it bad but I am sure he will come round, but maybe he will be like your sister and be very supportive, but right know think of YOU, you are the most important one, you have todo whats right for YOU!

I am sending you all my strength and protection, stay safe and be kind to yourself, treat yourself

Take care

I think you are so Brave!!!

Frog

feemarie · Senior Member

hi frog,

thank you so much for your reply, i have been so low and just knowing someone is listening makes a difference. Your kind words almost made me cry but in a good way!!! you said you wished you could help me, well just by replying and offering words of comfort you truly have! i feel so alone sometimes, tonight being one of those times and now i dont feel so alone!

thanks frog

big hugs if thats ok!!

fee

x

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee

Big Hugs to --- It's Fine

I am glad I could offer some comfort, I know what is like to feel so alone.

Do something nice for yourself, take the day off work and stay in bed and watch comedy films I do this sometimes, I know I shouldn't pull a sicky off work but in a way I feel its geniune. Just an idea

I don't really know what to say, but just want to let you now someones here, I know how desprete it can feel at times, and I can see by your writting that you are struggling tonight.

I have to say me too!

My memoires are so fragmented but I get snippets of things come back to me. Latley I am so worried that it may have been my mother or father. What scares me the most what if it was my mother.

My thoughts are with you - keep safe

Frog big hugs

feemarie · Senior Member

Hi frog,

i think you are right and i am going to try and do something nice for myself tomorrow, a bit of shopping therapy might be a good plan i think!!!

it is wonderful to have you here for me i am only sorry that you are struggling too. i really know what you mean about snippets coming back to you as i have had that happen to me most of my life. it is so hard i know and i am sorry for your pain and mine for that matter. i know that my father was my abuser but i also know that my mother knew all about it and just stepped aside and let it happen, sometimes i think maybe she was involved. my memories are so confused at times and i know that often she was in the room when things happened so maybe. i just dont know. hope i havent said to much there. sorry if i have. whatever your memories return to you and whatever you discover through them know that you are not alone. i know a lot of what you are going through.

think you should take your own advice and do something for yourself too! think we both deserve it.

you are in my heart and thoughts

thanks for being here

big hugs again!!

fee

x

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

This is something I struggle with as well.

I have no definite memory of sexual abuse, but there are enough indications to say that it did happen. I wonder if my father was the one, or not, and if he were should I confront him. It is such a difficult thing to work out, and I hope that you are able to come to a decision that is best for you and your healing.

As I read your posting I thought about your brother. I am going to be fairly blunt as I think if I tried to be pc about it I will not get my point over, so forgive me if I offend, or make assumptions about your family that are inaccurate. It is something you need to consider before confronting your parents (if you do). He either needs to know or not, and whether it should be before hand or after. Also about how he should find out, from you or from your parents or by heresay. If your brother is close to you it may be a good idea to get his support before confronting your parents, let him know what happened so that if your parents take it badly they will not be able to try to poison his mind against you. If you think it would be better for him not to know, then that is fine.

I had to give up work because of ptsd, and had to tell my brother. I knew that he would not be very sypathetic, or helpful, so I only gave him the barest details based on the facts that we were both physically and psychologically abused. He does not have any information about anything else, including the fact that he was one of my abusers.

My decision was based on what was best for me, and that is what you need to consider. In the end only do what is best for you,

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee

I am glad your going todo something nice for yourself tomorrow, it helps me when I am low and your right to I should do it myself.

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through and how you must feel espically not knowing about your mother, I just don't understand how anyone can do this it's all so crazy!

I was reading back over you frist post tonight you said it's so hard to actually sat it that your father abused you. I now how you feel I have a good friend who I talked to, and trust and he is great to me so understanding but I stuggle telling him stuff espacailly when I first told him it had happened.

Funnly enough and this amazes me myself we were sat in a park at night it was dark he put his arm arond me, and I must say at this point I asked him to so I felt safer, and thats when I told him still it took a good hour just to say I was sexually abused as a child.

Maybe an you may well have done this already try imagaining what your going to say and the reactions you might get, that way you may be more prepread for the outcome, but please I hope your not going to do this alone as it may be dangerous for you please please take someone you trust with you and ahave a get away plan, your father may well freak out suddenly realising you remeber what he did and could react badly, I don't mean to scare you it's just your safety as to come first.

Big hugs again to,

be safe, my thoughts and strength is with you an I am sure every survivers strength is with you rit now we are stronge we know that from being here today, we have survived and awful thing, you have strength even if you feel you don't.

Another idae Iam sorry if I am going on but had a thought that might help to if you find yourself telling your mother and father and you start to feel vunrable, turn it around and think of him doing this to another child I know it sounds awful but the anger will come out in you and therefore you wont feel so vunrable and they won't be able to get to you - I hope this makes sense!

I have to applogise for my awful spelling I hope you understand my writting.

Big Big Hugs

Frog

ps I just had a marsbar bad for my deit but so good for me!!! thought I would shear that!

feemarie · Senior Member

sallyjack

thanks for replying. you are right about my brother and these are the thoughts that are always going through my head. i figure if im going to cut off contact with my parents which is what i want to do he should know why but i am so scared of huis reaction. i am fairly close to him less so now than when we were teenagers but still quite close and i dont want to hurt him with this.

i know i should be doing what is best for me, everyone keeps telling me so but i find it very difficult to just think about my needs and amso busy worrying about how everyone else will be ( even my father which is crazy!!) ive never really thought of my own needs as being very important really. i know that i need to start thinkingof me tho.

thanks somuch for taking the time to care and reply.

take gentle care

fee

x

feemarie · Senior Member

hi frog!

thanks for coming back again, i am finding that i look forward to your replies!!

you are right this is all completely crazy, i dont know how this has happened to us!

i am glad you have a friend who you can talk to about this and i know what you mean when you said it took a good hour for you to say the words. my boyfriend is extremely supportive and we talk often about this but still even after a year of talking with him i cant say the words sometimes, he is so understanding tho and just holds me and talks me through it.

i do often go through in my head what i may say and go through the best and worst reactions, this does help a bit but i am still scared cos you never truly know how someone will react. thanks for caring about me going alone to see my parents. i will be taking my lovely boyfriend for support and safety, i know it will be hard for him tho and thats a worry too. i find i am constantly worrying about everyone else. why arent i worried for myself?!

i am hoping that i do have the strength in me, sometimes i feel so weak, for letting this go on so long, for not doing anything sooner. i do feel strong on here tho, knowing that imnot alone. you are right we have survived an awful thing.

you certainly arent going on by the way, i treasure your advice and support and hope i can be there for you too. i have a niece of 2 and it is her precence that is spurring me on so your advice about imagining him doing it to another child is right. when i feel weak and like i just will leave things as they are i think of her my beautiful niece and the terror if something happened to her. i think i would kill him. i couldnt bear it.

knowing that you have pain and trouble of your own and you are taking the time to be here for me amazes me. you are a truly beautiful person, thank you so much for being so caring. i am always here for you too frog,

great big hugs

fee

x

ps. good for you on the mars bar, i too have forsaken my diet tonight for a chinese!! very bad but very good at the same time!!!

claudine · Moderator

Hi Fee,

This is my first post and it's a struggle for me to do it. But I can understand how you feel. Maybe it will help to know how it went with me. You've been very open on the forum and it's been helpful to me.(Thank you).

I recently told my brother about the abuse and was a total wreck about it. I felt horrible saying it out loud, terrified of his response. He was so great about it, though. I knew before I told him that he cared about me, but the shame is so hard to overcome. Plus I felt like I would taint him somehow. I cut my parents off about 15 years ago and that wasn't easy. I had confronted my mother, who was well aware of the abuse (it went on for 20 yrs). Her response was, "Oh, it wasn't that bad."

This site has inspired me to deal more with the issues I struggle with daily. 6 years of therapy havn't gotten me this far. (Thanks Jamie). One thing someone said to me was how would you feel if your brother found out from someone else? I can't be 100% sure but I think it mattered to him that I could confide in him. Odds are good that confronting the parents, no matter how well prepared you are, is going to be ugly. I found the chapter in Courage To Heal about Confronting Your Abuser to be helpful. It takes a little bit of a logical approach, something I think we'd all have difficulty doing in this situation.

I hope this helps. Posting is going to make me extremely paranoid for awhile.

c

feemarie · Senior Member

hi claudine,

first of all can i say how honored i am that you posted your first to offer me support and advice. i can tell how hard it was for you, well done for making the first step. i am glad my posts have been helpful to you, that was nice to hear! And please dont be paranoid, we are all in the same boat in a way!

your experience really has helped me, thanks for sharing it. It got me thinking and im pretty sure that you are right my brother would be better hearing it from me. I would hate it if he found out from my sister in law tho she has sworn she will not say anything.

im glad this site is helping you, me too.

please keep coming back and remember that you have no reason to be paranoid, we all understand in some way and noone here is going to judge or think badly of you.

thanks so much again claudine, you are in my heart and thoughts.

take gentle care

fee

x

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee,

I must apploagise I feel so awful I was going to post more last night but I fell alseep and couldn't get back untill know.

Your words are so nice and thoughtful, Thnakyou. I found myself looking forward to your replies also it's given me hope.

I wanted to say Hi Claudine too, uo post was so brave, I know how you feel about trusting to post also it may not llok like it cos I have written abit now, but it worries me to. I hope you can post again, it has helped me me so much

Take care both thinking of you

Frog

feemarie · Senior Member

hi frog,

dont feel bad about last night, no problem at all! glad you are back! Just wondering if youve seen about the penpal community and wondered if you are going to join, theres info in the announcements bit i think!

how are you feeling today?

take gentle care

fee

x

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee,

it's good to be back. the penpal thing I am not sure of yet, I am scared sounds silly really as I feel ok talking here but I don't know, jurry still out on it at the moment I feel I well but not just yet.

I feeling exhusted today an a bit low, so many thoughts going around in my head latly about everything I think my brian has packed her bags an gone!!!

I know I was sexually abused I just want to know who, an I know I am driving myself insane thinking of it all the time, and properbly making it harder to remeber for myself by trying to force the issue.

As I was reading again I suddenly realised my brother doesn't know either. my mu use to say when he was a kid he would hid under the bed and the couldn't reach him.

And know I feel as though no way could my parents have done this, it just feels that during the day alls satable but at night the horrors come back. I just don't know right know what to think. I don't wan to think it was my mum or (and) dad, becuase they can be so nice at times but other times there are horrible, I feel my be I could be blaming them for not stopping it, I don't know. I have always been anoid with my mum cos it's always been like I am the mother and she is the duaghter, I always had to pick her up.

when I was bullied at school I would tell her and would be crying and then she would cry to and so I stopped telling her cos I didn't want her to suffer as well.

I am sorry I don't were all of that came from brain overload,

Anyway how are you tonight

Frog sending big happy hugs

feemarie · Senior Member

hi frog,

i completely understand about the penpal thing. i have joined and think itll be good but am finding it hard at the same time. do it in your own time, or dont do it at all if you dont think itll help you.

im sorry you are feeling so low today, i wish i had some wise words of wisdom for you but im afraid all i can do is sympathise. i know how hard it must be not knowing whohas done this terrible thing to you and it really must be on your mind constantly. i wont say try not to think about it cos people say that to me and it doesnt help at all, it almost makes it worse cos i then feel like i am wrog for thinking about it. I just truly hope that very soon you will be able to piece it all together, i know that will be painful, especially if it is your parents but im sur itll be better in the long run cos you canstart to deal with it properly. at the moment you must feel like everythingisd so up in the air. i feel for you i really do.

i also felt like i was the mother and was the daughter with my mum. i would be upset about something to do with me and would end up comforting her, still often do!

dont apologise by the way, it will help to get these things out and i am always here to listen.

i had a tough night and have been low again today, it seems constant at the moment and i dont know how to come out of it. i just keep telling myself its gonna get better soon. sharing on here helps tho and knowing that i can try and comfort others like me makesme feel better somehow too.

gentle care frog and great big hugs as always!

fee

x

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee,

Oh your reply was great I almost cryed, in a good way though you are so helpful thoughtfull and caring, I feel the same as you helping others helps me I feel I am doing something postive.

I am sorry you had to go throough the same thing with your mother, what you describe about comforting your mother in the end is ezactly the same for me, I find this so amazing.

I really enjoy talking to you and I am think you doing so well, I cant think of any words of wisdom right now but you will get better, I have times when I am really low and then something happens and the air clears again. I think you are so brave, and such a wonderful person, just keep going the world needs great poeple like you!!!

I am sorry but my last post for tonight I am so tried I haven't had much sleep latley, then I started visiting here again and now I am sleeping better, which is good.

I hope you have a better night tonight, watch a funny film if you have one, I always watch vidos after vidos romatic, comdies etc..

I hope the penpal thing works for you, I think it's a great idea, just I am not ready yet, an thankyou for understanding, I did have a look at it and it looks good just alittle scary but in time I think it will take off. with what we have all suffered here I think we are all so brave and I am so glad havoca is here!

Sending big hugs, an lots of happiness to you

take care

Frog

feemarie · Senior Member

hi frog,

thaks so much! as ever your words truly touched me. i think you are very brave also and i am glad that weare able to talk and help each other.

i hope you gota good nights sleep, i know how hardit is when you cant, ive certainly been there.

speak to you soon.

you are in my thoughts as ever.

great big hugs

fee

x

jane · Experienced Member

fee,

this posting business frightens me to death, but here goes another one.

my experience of confrontation

a couple of years ago whilst sat in a pub one afternoon with my sister she said to me "can i ask you a question"

that was it my eyes filled up and i said "no" that was all she said but it was enough to know what was next. the look on her face was horror she hadn't expected this response. she asked if dad had (cant remember the exact wording of the rest, it wasn't put bluntly) my answer was to start crying in the middle of the pub!

i thought it had just been me. i had pushed it aside and was doing the life thing

the next step was she wanted to inform him that we both were aware and were not asleep. this completely horrified me, i wanted it to go back away in its little box i had put it in. i fought with her (not literally) about this i was not ready, she was. eventually she said she was doing it full stop. she wrote a letter, the day she posted it we went away together for fear he would turn up on the doorstep.

he never, a couple of weeks later i got a letter stating he did not remember it but i wouldn't lie, he was sorry and he was there when i wanted him. can't go into those feelings.

i now have not seen him for 2 1/2 years and am having issues with that.

i wasn't ready and now i live with it constantly with so many issues i dont know where to start. life is a mess, i am a mess.

i just want to say, you need to be prepared for anything your brother might say, my sister and i were completely oblivious about the other. i was doing the life thing quite well until that box was opened.

stay safe fee

jane

feemarie · Senior Member

thanks for sharing jane, i am sorry that the box was opened before you were ready. i have always wondered deep down if anything happened to my brother but am fairly sure it didnt as his relationship with my dad is a good one, my dad was his best man when he got married. having said that of course you can never be sure as i am not horrible to my dad or anything and am pretty good at pretending theres nothing wrong so whos to say my brother isnt the same?!

This is all so confusing, I dont want to hurtmy brother of course and mostly im thinking at the moment he has no reason to know, it would only bring him pain. dunno waht to do at all really!

im sorry for your pain too jane, please keep your chin up and keep posting, tho its frightening it really does help. i hope things get better for you.

take gentle care,

fee

x

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Fee,

I havn't been able to post for a few days as my computer got a virus, I lost all my stuff, but there wasn't much, but my brother has only just finished sorting it out an now I am back online Thank God, I have been so lost without Havoca, Oh I was paniking, daft but this place means so much to me.

How are you, how are you doing I have missed talking to you too. I hope your well, if not iam hear to chat.

Hi Jane

I wanted to say hi and well done for posting it scares me still but I can't help posting now it helps me so much, i am sorry for your pain, I don't know what else to say, just when I first posted I got so much support and it helped and wanted to say its a brave step!

Take care lots og hugs as ever

Frog

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Originally posted by: jane
" i wasn't ready and now i live with it constantly with so many issues i dont know where to start. life is a mess, i am a mess. i just want to say, you need to be prepared for anything your brother might say"

Jane,

I couldn't agree with you more. I naively thought that confronting my parents, bringing things out in the open, would move things forward for me. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I feel in many ways that it's destroyed my life.

I was completely, naively unprepared for every reaction that I got. My mother reacted with hostilityand aggression, and no remorse whatsoever. I ended up having severe nightmares for years afterwards and going on very strong sleeping meds. My father responded by refusing to hear anything I had to say. My brothers, who I loved and spent my childhood protecting, couldn't stand to hear it either - they weren't ready.

There were so many long term consequences I couldn't have guessed at beforehand that I wouldn't even know where to start to describe the fallout. I haven't seen anyone in my family for over 10 years.

I too felt like "i was doing the life thing quite well until that box was opened", even though I was the one who opened the box.

Fee,

It sounds like a good thing that things are moving for you. Please, please take Jane's advice and take care when you're disclosing and make sure that you are really prepared for any reaction. I'm especially concerned for your relationship with your brother. If your father was his best man, it might be too difficult for him to turn his back on that. If he's not ready to look at what happened when he was young, he may feel he has to turn his back on you instead. I've heard from far too many friends that family members who initially sounded supportive eventually turned their backs when things became difficult.

I really hope that you have some good support to help you through this. Please take good care of yourself.

HAVOCA · Trustee

Hi everyone,

Some very interesting, supportive and compassionate posts, as always - thanks.

In response about 'telling' we have a good section on the website about that topic. Its here . Also there's a comparison article called 'to tell or not to tell?'.

I think telling can only really be judged on an individual basis, but generally people are surprised at the reaction they get. That isn't to say the surprise is always good, and careful thought needs to be given to your aims for 'telling' before you go ahead.

If anyone wants to talk things through then feel free to contact me.

Take good care and stay afe,

Jamie

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi fee

I'm not that good with words but I am thinking of you and supporting you all the way

Take Care

Amanda

leckie · Senior Member

hi feemarie that is the way i let my x girlfriend know about my abuse through my dreams because i could face telling her verbally, but wanted her to know i needed her help, but could not ask for it as when i asked for help when i was a child i never got it so i stoped asking and yes it is so hard to tell people it took me three years to verbally tell jill even though she new i still had to say it and i felt better for it because i was ready so it sound like you are ready to face your parents now in a way you are lucky (as it was my stepfather that abused me but he is dead now and i need to know why but i will never find out) you can face your abuser and get answers and have some one to scream and shout at it the better i think at least you may get some answers

please take care fee

leckie